


To Be Heard

by deluxemycroft



Series: Ouroboros [17]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie) Compliant, Family Issues, Fratricide, Gross, Incest, Infinity Stone Soul World (Marvel), M/M, Murder, Past Rape/Non-con, Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Rape, Soul Bond, Soul Magic, Soul Stone (Marvel), Stream of Consciousness, Time Loop, Time Shenanigans, Time Travel, Unhealthy Relationships, Unreliable Narrator, its just gross
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-01
Updated: 2020-08-01
Packaged: 2021-03-06 05:55:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,670
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25638388
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deluxemycroft/pseuds/deluxemycroft
Summary: What if there is no right choice?From within the Soul Stone, Thor, or whatever is left of him, speaks. He does not tell all—for who could even remember all that he had done, all that he had tried to do, and all he had failed to do?—but he tells much.Loki listens. And writes.Hereby follows the final accounting of Thor Odinson, the Last Asgardian, the Mad King, the Thunderer. If he rests, may he rest in peace.
Relationships: Clint Barton & Loki, Loki/Steve Rogers, Loki/Thor (Marvel)
Series: Ouroboros [17]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1199902
Comments: 2
Kudos: 33





	To Be Heard

**Author's Note:**

> i just want to preface this with i know that time travel/loop/whatever fics are generally told from the perspective of the person doing the traveling, not someone else, or not a victim of that person. that means that this series has had to operate differently than other time shenanigans fics, in that there's a lot of repercussions on the characters and the reasons aren't immediately clear. this entire series rests on thor's back; everything that has happened, happened because of him and choices he made and what he did as a result of being unable to kill thanos and feeling responsible for the ensuing Decimation. i've spent about 600k words making him a villian and i don't want that to be excused, but i do want to say that i've always considered this to be a tragedy on thor's part. he did unspeakable, terrible, horrific things and i also think, did his best. that's one thing i've enjoyed a lot about writing this series is that all we see are the bad things that thor does right at the end, not everything that leads up to it. just the consequences, not the actions.
> 
> i wrote thor as being driven completely mad from being unable to stop an unspeakable, horrific tragedy from happening thousands and thousands and thousands of times (along with everything else that made him crazy lol), and i hope that's accurately represented in this fic. i think that someone can suffer beyond comprehension and still be a bad person, but sometimes seeing the why can help it all make sense. there's never going to be any kind of redemption for thor, nor any type of understanding or anything like that from loki, but i thought that something else would help round out this series as it's drawing closer to the end. i never wanted to excuse anything this thor did, but i always...pitied him, i guess.
> 
> i don't know if this will ever come up in this series, or if it'll ever be clarified, but i do want to say that loki & clint et al think that there wasn't any time in between the loops; ie, one ended and one began right after that. that's how it worked for loki, but thor made it so that there was time in between the loops. sometimes just a minute, sometimes a lot longer than that. he had a lot of things to do between the loops and that took time. this might never come up again but it’s good to know.
> 
> so the tragedy of thor ends here, in the soul world, bound in a box, where all he wishes to be heard, and there is only one left to hear him.
> 
> the story thor tells about crying during storms and odin tossing him out of the palace is from 'king thor' by jason aaron, which was the last series in his absolutely epic and incredible thor run. a lot of writers have written thor and aaron was one of the ones who really "got" him imo. his thor run is absolutely incredible and i highly, highly recommend it. a lot of writers underutilized and under level thor and kind of cut him off at the knee or otherwise make him less powerful than he really is, and aaron really captures that 'literal god that controls storms' vibe that i love for thor.
> 
> anyway, onto the show. sorry for rambling on i guess lol this note is almost as long as the fic. read the warnings, read the previous fics in this series, you know the drill. enjoy!
> 
> this is a coda to 'what happens next', and takes place between chapter one and two.

_From the beginning, then?_

_Very well._

_As you wish, brother._

_The beginning was Thanos, and your very first end. He killed them all, or his Order did. I was the last one, the Last Asgardian, and I was alone. I have never been alone like that. The only one left. He took everything from me. You died in front of me and I was unable to stop it, and for the first time in my life, I was truly helpless. I had experienced loss before, or so I thought, but then you died, and all that was left of Asgard with you._

_Then...the battle. My greatest failure. I never...I have lost in battle before, you know this. I have many great losses in my past, many wars that were lost because of me, but none like that._

_Thanos won, and we...we lost. I lost. We lost everyone. Half of all life, turned to dust. I had no one left to lose, but everyone else lost the person most important to them. That much loss in the world changes people, changes the very world around you. It changes the air, the dirt, the very breath in your lungs. It was chaos for many weeks, months, as the world attempted to understand what happened to it. We knew, of course, that it happened to every realm in every galaxy, but it was...difficult to come to terms with it._

_I know it was my fault. I know it was. I failed to kill him in the beginning, when I should have, but I wished to see his life leave his eyes as Stormbreaker cut into his heart. I could not sit idly by as we searched for Thanos in the stars for months, always one step behind him, and I knew I had to do something._

_I don’t know how long it took them to find Thanos. I left before then. I ended up staying with Stephen Strange, taking comfort in his seidr, even as peculiar as it was, and I began to read. The Sanctum was dedicated to protecting Midgard and the study of time seidr, and I learned very, very much. I have never been the scholar you are, but I know enough, and I know when I can use something. I had the entirety of the power behind Asgard and her throne. Every power that the King gets, I had. I was King before she burned, after all, and I always will be._

_I learned so much, Loki. So very much._

_The first few iterations of the spell were...unstable. You did not wish to be brought back, but I gave you no choice. I knew you were the answer. I knew you were the reason we had lost. If you had lived, if he had not killed you, we would not be here now._

_I should’ve known that pet of yours would’ve been part of fucking it all up. He always...he always gave me these_ looks. _Like he...knew something. I tried ripping it out of him. That spider web between you, always binding you together. But it always came back, no matter what I did or what I changed, no matter how far through time and space I dragged you. You thought I didn’t know, didn’t you? Oh, Loki, you were always so transparent to me. As if I don’t know you best by now._

_But regardless, I had to stabilize the spell, or all of it would be for nothing. I’d left that first life before they even came close to finding Thanos again, and I couldn’t...I never quite found out what happened if the spell fell apart. At least, I didn’t know then. I think you’re going to find out very soon, though._

_But I couldn’t go back. I left and knew there was no way home. So I wanted the Norn Stones, and made you tell me where you hid them away on Midgard. You didn’t like that very much, but you grew used to it. You’ve always been so adaptable. You find a way to fit yourself to whatever situation that comes your way and make it seem like it was your idea to begin with. But I know you, brother, and I know who you truly are. I’ve always known, but now I know you better than anyone has ever been known._

_You think the Captain knows you, that your pet knows you, that any of them know you? That they know the darkness that creeps in around your heart, the unsettled state of your soul, the way your mind craves chaos. How often do you grow bored with them around, Loki? How often do you wish to poke and prod at them until they come apart and you see what they’re made of? I know you._ I know you. _You may wish I do not, but I know you._

_But once I found the Norn Stones, it became easier. You became more stable, even if you weren’t the right Loki, the one I knew would fix the mistakes I had made. But I became more comfortable, opened myself to exploring various options, the various opportunities that were presented to me by the use of my own spell. They were all different, you know, the lives. But they changed in patterns. You start to see patterns after you’ve lived that long; you see it in everything. Except for you, of course, which I suppose you’ll like. Even after all that time, I never could quite predict you._

_I tried everything. I took you back to the start, manipulated time so we lived our entire lives in minutes, tried to change the inevitable outcome, but it was always the same. I suppose I...focused on you in a way I shouldn’t have. Death and the Soul Stone cleared my mind, but I still...I know the way your body feels against mine and when you’re not expecting it, you scream in this peculiar way that always felt like it was a specific pitch created to make me want to fuck you even harder. Is that not what you want to hear, brother? Do you not want to know how many times, in how many lives, I took you as mine and refused to let you go?_

_You never did like facing the truth._

_But yes, back to what happened. I don’t remember when Frigga figured out I was doing something. I told you I was able to predict what everyone was going to do, regardless of what had happened before. I suppose I...grew lax. I grew accustomed to knowing what would happen. It was so easy, after all, to sink into the routine. You go through something so many times and it becomes easy, regardless of what it is. You can grow used to anything, after all, given enough time. And the amount of time I spent in that spell...I grew very, very used to it. But she knew something was happening, even if it took her a few hundred or thousand revolutions to finally figure it out._

_She offered to help, once she got the explanation out of me. I never could quite bring myself to kill her. Oh? You don’t like hearing that? I killed you at the end of every single loop, Loki. My hands on your neck, my hammer in your skull, my hammer breaking your bones. You only escaped me a few times. One of them was because of that little archer pet of yours. I hate him, you know. Always a wrench in my plans. But mother was the opposite. She helped, once I told her everything._

_Bonding the two of us was her idea. Or, at least, I think it was. It was just her and me for so long...it must’ve been her idea. Things like that get lost. So much gets lost when that much time passes._

_I wonder how old I am now. I don’t look any older, but I feel ancient. I feel...I feel as if I am a God looking at over the last bit of humanity I was not able to save. I feel as if I am the Last Asgardian again and all I wanted was to bring you back, to hold you again, to love you again. I always loved you best, brother. Even before all of this, even before the first time, in that first time...I loved you more than anyone. More than Mother, more than Father, more than any of those Jotun monsters Father saved you from._

_I left you with them a few times, just to see what happened. You married some Jotun named Aegir in one of them and I went to the wedding and killed him in front of you. You were so beautiful, Loki, even as a beast. I don’t think any version of you has ever been ugly. I could put a picture of you against the most beautiful sun or the moon and all the stars and you would still outshine them._

_You could use a shower, though. Always hated that hair of yours. Never understood why you put all that product in it. All those oils. I always hated touching it._

_But you were always so beautiful to me, brother. I...I can’t remember if I thought you beautiful back then, back before this started. I must’ve—where else would it have come from? Did I love you like this, this_ need, _this knowledge that I had to have you regardless of—of anything else? I can’t...there cannot be anything else. There can be no other way I could feel. How could I ever look at you and not see the love of my life? How could I look at you and not see my cunning, wily, brilliant brother and not also see the Aesir I had sacrificed everything for?_

_You never understood that, I believe. You never understood that I did all of this for you. I brought you back, Loki, even if you killed me for it. You were dead. If I died, would you not have done anything to get me back? Would you have left me to float off endlessly in space, a broken corpse?_

_It took me a month to find your body. I spent months in the Sanctum, reading and reading and then I left. I gave Steve a communication stone and a couple Alfheim crystals and told him to contact me if he needed me, and then I went to the stars. The Librarian in Omnipotence City was very helpful, and I still had a lock of your hair, and was able to use it to find you. I begged knowledge from the All-Knowing and they gave me nothing. The Nine Realms were in chaos and none would listen to me; many of the realms forced me out when I asked for help, said they refused to have their homes destroyed next. Some of them told me it was good you were dead, that it had long been prophesied you would bring about Ragnarok, that I should’ve known...at the time, I was slow to anger. I was so...tired of it all, Loki._

_Perhaps I should’ve laid down my axe. Perhaps I should have. Maybe it would have been better for all of us._

_But Thanos is dead. That is all that matters, here, at the end of all things_.

_I know what you said: is it even truly revenge if it is not the same Thanos who killed you? All that version of Thanos ever did was want the same thing every single other version of him did: the end. Half of all existence extinguished. He would have gotten the Stones and Snapped his fingers and brought about the Decimation. He would have done all of that, as he did so many times before, if not for you. So how can you say you did not take your revenge on him when he would have done the same as every other version before him?_

_The spell was designed to loop until I got it right, which means how can the Thanos you killed be any different than the one that killed you? So you see how I do not have the same troubles you do; Thanos was meant to die, and you were the only one that could make that happen. Loki, if I don’t have that...then what was this all for?_

_There are things in the world, in our lives, that_ will _happen. It does not matter what you intend otherwise, what you do to attempt to change it, if it is meant, it will. This, as it happens, is a truth for everyone, no matter who you are._

_Except, of course, for you. You have always been the exception that proves the rule. You were always the only one to change destiny to suit your whims. The only one that could calm the storm that raged inside me, after all._

_I do not know if you remember but when we were young, just babes at our milkmarm’s breast, I would cry and scream whenever there was a storm outside. I would create the most unholy of racket while the storm raged outside, and nothing could quiet me. It was such a shame for Odin to have his son be scared of such a thing as a storm, and he grew furious with me for it. But all for his own lectures and punishments, I still cried whenever there was a storm._

_So, one night, there came the greatest storm any in Asgard had seen for many centuries, and I threw the greatest fit unlike anyone had seen from me in my life. It scared even you, I recall, and you cried as well, and that made me only madder, and the storm outside grew ever fiercer and raged ever louder._

_So Odin did what he always did: got rid of the problem. He put me out into the storm and told all of Asgard to leave me. Either I learned to live with the storm that so frightened me or I perished. Better a dead son than one that shamed him. The storm grew and grew in intensity, all through the night, and although I do not remember all of it, for it was very long ago, I remember I was in the forest, and every time I screamed, lightning flashed and thunder rolled._

_Einherjar found me in the morning, once the storm had passed, and brought me back home. I was unharmed and when Mother pressed me for what had happened, I had no answer. But another storm came a few days later, and I did not cry. Odin announced to everyone that he had cured me of my irrational fear and a few centuries later, when I learned to control the storm and was given Mjolnir, he said it came from that night I spent out in the storm. He never did learn how to hear me._

_But Odin did not know what we both know now: I was not frightened. I have never been frightened of the storm. The storm has always been_ me. _The thunder was my cry and the lightning and rain my tears. I have always spoken with the storm, always...always been the storm. We cannot be separated._

_Do you remember the tale of my birth? Frigga came close enough to death that she could feel it. It was the most difficult birth many of the midwives had ever seen. And when I was finally born, down came the storm. My first cry was thunder, and when I first opened my eyes, I saw lightning, and my sobs brought the rain._

_I love with rain and with clouds and with lightning, and I hate with the same. I wonder if that is why the two have always been so intertwined within me; if I love you with the same thunder I use to strike down my enemies, then what is the difference? But I know the difference, brother, and I love you more than I have ever hated anyone. I have always had the storm._

_Except for in here. The Soul World took the storm from me. Did it feel the same for you when you realized your seidr was gone? Were you lost without it, or did Loki, my sly, brilliant brother, know that you would be fine without it? I may be stronger than you, but without the storm, who am I? I have always been Thor, and will always be, but you have always been...more. You may be only Loki but who is Loki? Loki is more than just one form, are they not? More than just the skin Odin put you in and more than the place he stole you from and more than the life you have lived._

_I once asked you if you would ever be more than who you are. I thought then, all those eons ago, that who you were was not enough. I thought you needed to become someone else. I bought into Father’s lies that you needed to change to be useful, to be loved. I suppose I never made the connection that he did that to both of us and it never worked. I wonder what he would think of us now. Do you think that, brother? Ha! No, I doubt you think of Father very much at all. But I always...I still tried to make him happy, even when you had long given up on winning his approval. No matter what you tried, no matter how much you tried to change or become someone else, it was never enough. Odin could never love a monster as much as his own blood, after all. I always wonder why Frigga never told you. I wonder what Odin had on her that she would not tell you the truth, or if, perhaps, it was her idea._

_I never asked her. I had more than enough chances, more than enough time, but I...I never asked. She knew how I loved you, how I would have died for you, how I wanted you, but I never asked_ why. _I don’t think much would have changed if I knew why, but I know you wished to know._

_You always wanted to know the why of everything. Why were you so gifted with seidr and I was not, why did I have prophetic dreams and you did not, why this and why that, always asking questions. It used to make me furious; why couldn’t you just accept things the way they were? Could you not see that some things were meant to be and asking questions never changed anything? Why could you not see things for how they were and not how you thought they should be? You were such an ornery child, always uncomfortable in your own skin, always unhappy with what you were given. You never liked the clothes anyone picked out for you, never liked dressing how you were supposed to for any specific event, always arguing and picking fights and poking and prodding until everyone around you came apart and tried to restrain themselves from throwing you out a window._

_I always wondered if you knew what you were doing, if it was intentional. I didn’t realize until much later that it was purposeful. Perhaps not at first, not when you were very young, but as you grew older, you did it on purpose. You were always...always testing. I think you knew something about yourself was wrong, wasn’t real, and went looking for it. But Odin’s spell held strong and you looked outside yourself for what it was that wasn’t real. Always pushing and prodding and poking at everything until it broke._

_My greatest regret in life is that I was not always at your side. I thought I knew more, thought my experience on the battlefield was better than your training in diplomacy and politics, and I never seemed to remember that you had always been on the battlefield next to me. I saw you practicing your seidr and somehow did not see you practicing with your staff or your spear or your daggers. I saw you studying but somehow refused to see you fighting. I was so...heh. I was so blind, but it was only when one of my eyes was taken from me that I truly began to see._

_That is the why of it all, brother. That is the question you want to know. You thought that if you knew the how of it all that you would learn the why, but it was never clear enough for you to grasp it. All my life I had been looking for a reason—a reason to keep fighting, a reason to win, a reason to keep going. I was looking for the same thing you were always looking for: the why of it all._

_I thought I knew why. I fought because there was war, and it had to be won. I fought because I liked it, because I was good at it, and I thought that enough. I fought and I fucked and I drank and I celebrated, and I thought that enough. We fought because what else was there to do? Not fight? But there was war, and war must be won._

_But I never knew the why. I realized it when Thanos trapped me, helpless, and killed you in front of me. I fought to keep our home safe, and I had done that for so very long, but then we had no home, and all I had was you. We had all that was left of Asgard on that ship and we had each other, and that was enough. I saw you for who you were and I realized that, without knowing it then, I had suddenly found the why. I had been searching without realizing it for so very long, so many centuries, and you had always been there. I looked everywhere but you._

_Then, of course, Thanos._

_And he took you with him. He took you_ from _me, right when I had just found you again._

_I...I thought I knew grief. You had died before and I mourned. But I had been mourning my brother, not the love of my life. Not the reason I kept fighting. Loki, I thought to use that grief to kill Thanos, and I failed._

_Can you blame me for what happened next? Is it truly my fault for what I then did to you?_

_Perhaps._

_But you were all I had left. You were my heart, and when you died, it broke._

_I suppose whatever part of me that cared broke along with it. When I failed to kill Thanos, I knew I had to get you back. Whatever it took. That’s what Steve kept saying: whatever it takes. We all knew we had no choice but to do anything and everything in order to make certain we brought everyone back and killed Thanos. We would sacrifice anything and anyone to do it. But I had nothing left. I had lost it all._

_I no longer feel shame for abandoning them to their quest. I did, once, but that was so very long ago. When you live through that many lives, that many thousands of them, the individuals begin to mean little to you. They are the same, after all, in each life. I know you think they change, that that pet of yours remembers them and he thinks they were all different, but they weren’t. Everything...there was no eventuality that I did not see. Anything that could happen, did happen, and I saw it._

_Do you know what that’s like, brother? To know everything that could happen, everything that will happen, and all that led up to it? To know how to change it, if it even can be changed, and what you have to do and sacrifice to make it happen?_

_It took...a very long time. Frigga and I tried and failed more times than I can count. I tried to keep count of how many tries it took, but I lost count once we hit a few hundred. It was many, many more than that. I had thought I had gotten it right the last time, when you finally let me collar you, but I was wrong. I should not have killed you then, I know that now, but if that is what it took to kill Thanos, then I am proud to have made the mistake, even if it meant my own life was also sacrificed again before the end._

_I would have given anything to defeat Thanos, but he took the only thing I was unwilling to give up: you. So all of this? All of it? I just wanted you back. It was all for you. That’s the why, brother._

_I see on your face that that isn’t the answer you wanted, but I have no other reason for you. There are no other answers. I had found what it was like to live with you dead and I refused to do it any longer._

_What else? What else is there? You already know the how of it all, don’t you? I learned the spell from the books in the Sanctum, harnessed the power of the greatest storm to ever grace Midgard, spun up all the seidr I picked up off your corpse, and used it to create the most powerful spell I ever cast. I found the Norn Stones and used them as well. If I found an Infinity Stone, I siphoned whatever power I could from it and used it to power the next few dozen loops. The Convergence happened in every loop and I managed to pull power from that as well, but you had a habit of figuring out what I was doing, so I had to keep you from Asgard during it. Even when you were in the dungeons, you still managed to escape, or kill yourself, or figure out some way to leave me._

_I learned how to create the version of you I needed and learned how to make sure, even if you ran, that your life would lead you back to me. I tried it again and again and this time, it finally worked. You finally killed him. Did you figure it all out? Frigga and I changed so much this time, and I really thought you would’ve been mine still, at the end, but at least it was your hand that took my life from me. If I was to lose my life, then at least it was you who took it from me._

_The soul bond was Frigga’s idea. I have never experienced pain before like that in my life, in any of them. There are certain types of pain that one grows used to, if it happens enough, but the pain of your soul being ripped in two and then bound to another is not something I would wish upon anyone. The very first time she had Hjalmar attempt it, he died. It took a few more revolutions for us to figure out how to keep him alive during the process. It’s meant to be impossible, after all, to break a soul bond, or to change one. I know you managed to do it without any trouble, which I always thought was fascinating._

_I wonder what you’re going to do now. The Reality Stone worked off seidr and that pet of yours is all seidr. Wonder what Thanos ripped out of him. I don’t know everything that happens outside of this World but when another Infinity Stone comes close, I get a little...peek. How poetic; you finally fulfilled your destiny and the one you love most is taken from you for it._

_Yes, the destiny I gave you. It’s all the same in the end, believe me._

_But I never told you this: you and I have always been similar. More similar than we liked, I think. I was always so loud, the raging storm, but you were never quiet. You drew attention the same way I did; we would both walk into a room and people would be torn as to which one of us they should pay attention to. But you have always been comfortable in the shadows, and I could never stand it. I suppose you had little choice but to be comfortable there, but it suited you. But we were always...complementary. Light and dark, as mother used to say. Not good and evil, but both of us as shades of grey._

_Do you not find it interesting that we were meant to fill in each other’s inadequacies? That where you are weak, I am strong, and when I falter, you are there to give me strength? Do you not see how we were meant to be? Together, brother. We could...there is enough here, Loki, for the two of us to live. You never have to leave. Do you not see that you and I are meant to be together? We are two halves of a whole. Stay with me, and the Soul World will give us everything we need, anything we could ever want. It’s quiet here, brother._

_No? I thought as much. But I had to ask._

_I got what I wanted, in that last life. If the Soul World gives me anything, it will let me live there. It is all I ever wished for. Just you and I, together, you on your knees before me, where you belong._

_What else do you wish to know?_

_There is...so much I could tell you. I suppose this is as good of a time as any._

_I changed your memories. All you remember of our relationship—Mjolnir pinning you down, the way I hurt you in the dark, all of it—it happened, yes, but not all at once. Not in one life. We took memories from various dozens or hundreds of other lives and gave them to you when you woke up in this life. Frigga and I worked everything out so that you would have no choice other than to submit. I worked with HYDRA to get the Tesseract, with Thanos to get the Mind Stone, with Killian to weaken you, and it was all to get you, and I suppose I failed anyway. Does it matter, in the end? Do the actions leading up to the inevitable mean anything?_

_I doubt they do. If the end is the same, then how we get there means nothing._

_You disagree with me. How very interesting._

_Would you say the same if I had not done all of this? What if I had done it to another, or someone had done it to me? What if it was your actions that led to this end? Can you not justify anything if it is for those you love? What if it is for the one you love most, the only one you love? Can’t, then, anything be justified? Any action, any price? What price would you not pay for your husband, for the Captain?_

_Ah. So you do see. I thought you would._

_Then, brother, how can you ask why, when you already know?_

_I...I did not realize how much I would miss the sun. But I miss the storm the most._

_You wield Mjolnir now, do you not? You and your Captain. I never shared it with anyone, not that there would have been anyone worthy. Jane Foster, perhaps, but I...she is no more. She was good, you know. Better than I have ever been. She deserved better than me. There were a few times where I found her and she loved me, but she always deserved better._

_I can see the question on your face: how could Jane Foster deserve better but you do not? Because we are meant for each other, brother. It is not about deserving between us; it is about what we are given, who we are meant for, and you have always been meant to be mine._

_You never did like being told what to you. You don’t like it, but you take comfort in it. I know you well enough to know the truth of you, brother, and I know you. I know you better than anyone else has ever known you; I know your insides, I know the way you work, I know what your organs look like. There is not a single thing about you that I don’t know. I’ve seen every single inch of you, inside and out, and there is nothing you can hide from me._

_You said you wanted to know everything._

_I’ll tell you, then. Everything._

_Your organs all taste different. Have you ever removed seidr from a corpse? Do you know how it’s done? It’s impossibly difficult; there’s a reason it’s considered very, very dark seidr. It’s an unequivocally evil thing to do, and I have done it thousands of times. I’m certain you’ve read of it, but you don’t know how to really do it. So, let me lay it out for you:_

_Seidr is tied up in every bone and organ and in your blood. It’s inside your brain and in your teeth and tied up and twisted right between your eyes. To get at it, you have to crack someone open, down to their base parts, and pull their seidr out. That’s what I did to you, brother. Every time. I laid you down and I forced my way inside and ripped your seidr out of you. There were times where you had not even died yet and I took what I wanted anyway. Do you know the kind of pain it causes to rip the seidr out of someone still living? Do you know how you screamed?_

_I wish I could show you. You are most beautiful when you’re in pain._

_Frigga never asked. She never saw. I don’t think she wanted to know, wanted to see me do such an evil thing. But I had no choice; I had to tear it all out of you so you could be remade and brought back. You were the only thing powerful enough to anchor the spell and bring yourself back. I wonder if your pet knew about that, if he hid it from you because he didn’t want you to know. But I don’t think so. I think he could only see what happened up until you died. But would he have told you? Could you look at him the same if he knew and didn’t tell you?_

_If Thanos ripped his seidr from him, he dug into every single part of him that made him a person and made him yours and he took it. Now you know how it feels, to have the one you love most taken from you._

_I miss it. I miss the way you feel against me. I hope the Captain knows what he has in you. Does he fuck you properly, Loki? I know all you want is to be wanted; I wish I could tell you of how many times I made you beg for it. How many times I forced you to your knees and fucked your mouth until you passed out, how many times Mjolnir pinned you down and I fucked you. Do you want to know how many times I fucked you with Mjolnir? I don’t have an exact count, of course, but I can describe it to you. You always tried so hard not to cry. But you look so pretty when you do. I hope your Captain knows that. What does he like in bed, Loki? Does he like to pin you down and use you? Fuck you while you’re sleeping? I liked choking you until you passed out and fucking you until you woke up again._

_Ha! Perhaps you miss me, then, if your Captain enjoys that as well. I would’ve thought him above it. But you must be so very sly if you can trick someone like him into doing that to you. I only ever gave you what you wanted. Ha! You almost believed that, didn’t you? No, I enjoyed it. I enjoyed forcing you. After long enough in the same lives, hurting you was all the enjoyment I got out of it._

_What else...oh, the curse potion? Frigga brewed it. I had to use the Convergence to build enough power to sustain the spell, and she kept an eye on you from Asgard, using the guise that she was in a coma. She knew you were planning something, but couldn’t quite figure out what. You’re always planning something, anyway. But she saw you were becoming attached to the Captain and we talked about it. Since you wouldn’t come back to Asgard, we’d make you. Especially since it was the last chance we had to defeat Thanos, I needed you close, and close meant without anyone else. But I wasn’t able to inject you with it in time and HYDRA got their hands on it. I spent thousands of years planning how to kill Thanos and you managed to ruin it in a couple years. Typical, of course. I was never quite able to plan for you._

_I meant to ask: how was Hela? I hope our sister is faring well. I knew you took the Stone back to Helheim and promised to let her use it but I could not hear what she said. Will you tell me? Humor your old King? No? I expected as much. I know whatever she wanted was enough, because I could feel the armies of the dead even from in here. All those thousands of souls, fighting for you. What did you promise her? You wouldn’t give her your soul, nor the Captain’s, nor that pet of yours...someone else, then. Is that what you gave her?_

_When did you learn to lie to me?_

_I’ve put my hands inside your mind, Loki. I know how you think. I know what you think. There isn’t anything I don’t know about you, so tell me: when did you learn how to keep secrets? Tell me!_

_TELL ME!_

_Ah, I apologize. My anger gets ahead of me sometimes. Which you know. You’re well aware of my...rage problems. I wonder if you remember how frightened the Hulk used to make you; the fear you felt for that beast is nothing compared to how I make you feel. Isn’t that right? You’re still scared of me. You’ve always been just a little scared of me, even back before this spell. Always scared I would leave you, scared I would hurt you, scared that it was true that I was better than you._

_Loki?_

_Loki!_

_Loki, come back! No, you can’t—no, don’t leave me alone!_

_I’ll tell you about Jacques. About why I chose him. How I found him._

_Loki!_

_Is this my punishment then, to rot alone in the Soul World? You believe that_ time _scares me, Loki? I spent thousands and thousands of years to get to this point. Time means nothing. I’ve seen it all pass. I have all my memories of you, of the way you used to beg me to fuck you, of how you felt coming apart beneath my hands, and I know how it feels to kill you. I have all of that. Even time cannot take that from me._

_Come back to me, brother. Let Thor take care of you. I won’t even hurt you. I’ll be nice. I know how to make you like it._

_What are you—_

_Loki!_

_Come back._

_Please come back._

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading! please leave comments and kudos
> 
> follow me:  
> twitter: @whenhedied  
> tumblr: @deluxemycroft


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